Sheena

So Sheena has been encouraging me to write about me and my own thoughts instead of just always quoting from books. While I agree with her, it is definitely more difficult, for a lot of different reasons. So as an attempt to get there, I thought I'd begin that journey by quoting myself from my old journals

I like to re-read through my old journals every now and then, for a lot of different reasons. I thought I'd share my first mention of Sheena in a Matthew Dick journal- from the summer of confusion that was 2004:

"17/7

Why?

I am writing about what has been begging of me for what seems like an eternity, yet it has been, comparatively, for a moment.

A time when I have made a decision not to, I have. I am afraid to mention particulars- even here- and why? Even if someone where to read this...part of me wishes someone would, then I could talk to them...

It is consuming, everything has become secondary, everything but You- and that is why I have come to You now, when there seems to be no-one else.

I am feeling trapped- trapped by expectations- of mine and of others- by decisions I have made and possibly regret?

I don't even really know her, yet she is always in my thoughts, indirectly in my plans. A beauty with which I have never truly conversed, until now. a beauty within and without. I struggle to write of feelings, perhaps a first- afraid, of what, perhaps more relevant- of whom?

Help me here- I don't ask that you take this away, for I fear the knowledge, or lack thereof, of never knowing if she feels the same would be worse than the personal denial itself.

A loneliness has begun to show itself- has it been here the whole time- or is it presenting itself because of these new desires- new thoughts? Is this ridiculous? Perhaps this is the reason of the fear of someone else reading this- that what I have is an immature, storybook, unrealistic (unGodly?) love for someone?

Love, I wrote it! Yet I hardly know her- but never have I been engulfed with the thoughts (not even images) of one whom I know so little. I decided to write here to see where I ended, my thoughts would become somewhat clearer, even less numerous.

Is it becoming a sign from You to help me with the Affiliate decision- or will this just pass away like it did at Christmas- a large, large part, no, all my being, begs that it won't pass- and with more than my being I cry out that I will not be rejected- but for that to happen I would have to build more of a relationship- something hard to do without hurting people, especially amongst the mutterings, her past, raised eyebrows, envy, commitments made before my arrival, before I began to know her, set-ups, match making, obsessions with relationships to an extents where people will make sacrifices which would not normally be made. Are these barriers of You or of you?

I am ready to explode- this is totally illogical, unreasonable or is it?

Is this why you sent me this summer, or am I totally missing the plot- it's hard to HIYA here with my mind elsewhere.

I won't talk to the one closest to me here because I...well I don't know why- it seems she has plans for me and anything which doesn't fit into it, she doesn't want to know about it.

I have thought all day about her, spending next summer with her, yet not an impure thought and this realisation only occurs now as I write- just being with her, spending time, time...so precious, so often wasted, over-valued, under-valued?

When I'm down...

Is this the first time I have been completely honest with my pen? Yet I can't even write her name...?!"